Three Plays Lawing and Jawing; Forty Yards; Woofing

Excerpt

SCENE: Judge Dunfumy's Court.

PERSONS: Judge Dunfumy, Officer Simpson and another, Jemima
               Flapcakes, Cliff Mullins, John Barnes, two lawyers,
               a clerk, a pretty girl and her escort.

SETTING: Usual court-room arrangement, except that there is a
               large red arrow pointing off-stage left, marked
               "To Jail."

ACTION: At rise everybody is in place except the Judge. Suddenly the CLERK looks off-stage right and motions for everybody to rise. Enter the JUDGE. He wears a black cap and gown and has his gavel in his hand. The two POLICEMEN walk behind him holding up his gown. He mounts the bench and glares all about him before he seats himself. There is a PRETTY GIRL in the front row left, and he takes a good look at her, smiles, frowns at her escort. He motions the police to leave him and take their places with the spectators and he then raps vigorously with his gavel for order.

JUDGE
Hear! Hear! Court is set! My honor is on de bench. You moufy folks set
up!
                             (He glares at the boy with the pretty girl)
All right, Mr. Whistle-britches, just keep up dat jawing now and see
how much time I'll give you!

BOY
I wasn't talking, your honor.

JUDGE Well, quit looking so moufy. (to CLERK) Call de first case. And I warn each and all dat my honor is in bad humor dis mawnin'. I'd give a canary bird twenty years for peckin' at a elephant. (to CLERK) Bring 'em on.

CLERK
                             (Reading)
Cliff Mullins, charged with assault upon his wife with a weapon and
disturbing the peace.
                             (As CLIFF is led to the bar by the
                             officer, the JUDGE glares ferociously
                             at the prisoner. His wife, all
                             bandages, limps up to the bar at the
                             same time.)

JUDGE So youse one of dese hard-boiled wife-beaters, huh? Just a mean old woman-Jessie! If I don't lay a hearing on you, God's a gopher! Now what made you cut such a caper?

CLIFF
Judge, I didn't go hunt her. Saturday night I was down on Dearborn
Street in a nasty ditch *[Handwritten: nasty ditch crossed out in
pencil, (buffet flat)]—

JUDGE
A nasty ditch? *[Handwritten: A nasty ditch crossed out in pencil,
(Buffet flat)]

CLIFF
Aw, at Emma Hayles' house.

JUDGE
Oh, yes. Go on.

CLIFF Well, (Points thumb at wife) she come down dere and claim I took her money and she claimed I wuz spending it on Emma.

CLIFF'S WIFE
And dat's just whut he was doing, too, Judge.

CLIFF AW, she's tellin' a great big ole Georgia lie, Judge. I wasn't spendin' no money of her'n.

WOMAN Yes he was, Judge. There wasn't no money for him to git but mine. He ain't hit a lick of work since God been to Macon....