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The Purple Cow!

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WILLIE, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann,They went an’ built a big CHEWIN’-GUM MAN:It was none o’ your teenty little dots,With pinhole eyes an’ pencil-spots;But this was a terribul big one—well,’T was a’most as high as the Palace Hotel!It took ’em a year to chew the gum!!And Willie he done it all, ’cept someThat Huldy got her ma to chew,By the time the head was ready to do.

Well, Willie he chewed it for days ’n’ days;They brung it to him in gret big drays;An’ fast as he got it good an’ soft,Then Wallie he come and carried it oft.Then he’d roll it into a gret big ball,An’ he made a-more’n a MILLION in all!Then Huldy Ann she spanked ’em flatAn’ pinched an’ poked, an’ the like o’ that,Till she got it inter a gret big hunk—My! didn’t Huldy have the spunk!And then she sliced one end half-wayTo make the laigs (’cause they never stayWhen you stick ’em on in a seprit piece—Seems like the ends was made o’ grease);And she slit an arm right up each side,—I couldn’t a done it if I’d a tried!O’ course, her brothers they helped her, though,An’ rolled the arms an’ laigs out, soThey all was smooth with roundin’ bendsAn’ chopped the fingers inter the ends!An’ when their mother had chewn the head,She went an’ stuck it on, instead!

An’ then, when the man was almost done,They had an awful lots o’ fun.A-walkin’ down his stummick was bestTo make the buttons onter his vest!They struck big cartwheels in him for eyes;His eyes was both tremendous size;His nose was a barrel—an’ then beneathThey used a ladder, to make his teeth!An’ when he was layin’ acrost the streetAlong come their daddy, as white ’s a sheet,—He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,An’ he didn’t know whatter make o’ the mess,—But Huldy she up an’ begun to coaxTo have him down town, to skeer the folks!So her dad he grabbed him offen the street,An’ Willie an’ Wallie they took his feet,An’ they dragged him clean down to the Cogswell fountain,An’ stood him up as big as a mountain!You’d orter seen him a-standin’ there,A-straddlin’ Market street in the air!

Well, he stood up straight for a week ’n’ a halfAn’ the folks, Gee! didn’t they yell ’n’ laff:The boys clum up his laigs quite bold—The gum was so soft they got good hold;The cars run under him day an’ night,An’ the people come miles to see the sight!Well, after he’d stayed as stiff ’s a post,With his head on top o’ the roofts almost,The sun come outer the fog one dayAn’—well, I guess you can see the wayThat gret big feller begun to melt;—Imagine how Willie and Wallie felt!For first he cocked his head out some,An’ when the heat got inter the gumHe slowly waved his arms aheadAn’ slanted forred, just like he was dead!


An’ all day long he leaned an’ bentTill all expected he would have wentAn’ pitched right over. They roped the streetTo keep the crowd away from his feet....