More Goops and How Not to Be Them A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

Excerpt

INTRODUCTION

Children, although you might expect
My manners to be quite correct
(For since I fancy I can teach,
I ought to practice what I preach),
'Tis true that I have often braved
My mother's wrath, and misbehaved!
And almost every single rule
I broke, before I went to school!
For that is how I learned the way
To teach you etiquette to-day.
So when you chance to take a look
At all the maxims in the book,
You'll see that most of them are true,
I found them out, and so will you,
For if you are as GOOP derided,
You may perhaps reform, as I did!

Little Goops are marking

On the window pane;

I forbid, in vain!

Noses, when they're greasy,

Leave a smooch so easy!

Rub it out again!

I shall have to scold them,

For I've often told them,

Kindly, to refrain!

A LOW TRICK

The meanest trick I ever knew
Was one I know you never do.
I saw a Goop once try to do it,
And there was nothing funny to it.
He pulled a chair from under me
As I was sitting down; but he
Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.
It was a horrid thing to do!

When you go a-calling,

Never stay too late;

You will wear your welcome out

If you hesitate!

Just before they're tired of you,

Just before they yawn,

Before they think you are a Goop,

And wish that you were gone,

While they're laughing with you,

While they like you so,

While they want to keep you,—

That's the time to go!

"AIN'T"

Now "ain't" is a word

That is very absurd

To use for an "isn't" or "aren't."

Ask Teacher about it:

She'll say, "Do without it!"

I wish you would see if you can't!

 

She ate some chocolate drops at 1,

At 2, she thought she'd take

A little jelly and a bun;

At 3, some frosted cake.

 

At 4, she nibbled at a roll;

At 5, a doughnut spied,

And ate it (all except the hole),

And then some cookies tried.

 

At 6, she didn't feel quite right,

And didn't care for dinner.

She said she had no appetite,

With so much Goop-food in her!

JUSTICE

Whenever brother's sent to bed,

Or punished, do not go

And peer at him and jeer at him,

And say, "I told you so!"

 

Nor should you try to make him laugh

When he has been so bad;

Let him confess his naughtiness

Before you both are glad!

 

There are about a thousand things

I'm not allowed to do;

Most everything I'm fondest of

I'm told is wrong—are you?

 

They say, "Please don't do that, my child!"

They say, "You mustn't, dear!"

I hope sometime I'll learn what's right,

For now it seems so queer!

FRANKNESS

When you are talking, I expect
You'd better hold your head erect!
Please look me squarely in the eye
Unless you're telling me a lie.
For if you crouch and look askance,
Regarding me with sidelong glance,
I'll think it is a Goop I see
Who is afraid to look at me!

You who are the oldest,
You who are the tallest,
Don't you think you ought to help
The youngest and the smallest?

 

You who are the strongest,
You who are the quickest,
Don't you think you ought to help
The weakest and the sickest...?