The Frogs

Excerpt

Xanthias

Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master,
At which the audience never fail to laugh?

DIONYSUS. Aye, what you will, except I'm getting crushed: Fight shy of that: I'm sick of that already.

XAN. Nothing else smart?

DIO. Aye, save my shoulder's aching.

XAN. Come now, that comical joke?

DIO. With all my heart. Only be careful not to shift your pole,
And—

XAN. What?

DIO. And vow that you've a bellyache.

XAN. May I not say I'm overburdened so
That if none ease me, I must ease myself?

DIO. For mercy's sake, not till I'm going to vomit.

XAN. What! must I bear these burdens, and not make
One of the jokes Ameipsias and Lycis
And Phrynichus, in every play they write,
Put in the mouths of all their burden-bearers?

DIO. Don't make them; no! I tell you when I see
Their plays, and hear those jokes, I come away
More than a twelvemonth older than I went.

XAN. O thrice unlucky neck of mine, which now
Is getting crushed, yet must not crack its joke!

DIO. Now is not this fine pampered insolence
When I myself, Dionysus, son of—Pipkin,
Toil on afoot, and let this fellow ride,
Taking no trouble, and no burden bearing?

XAN. What, don't I bear?

DIO. How can you when you're riding?

XAN. Why, I bear these.

DIO. How?

XAN. Most unwillingly.

DIO. Does not the donkey bear the load you're bearing?

XAN. Not what I bear myself: by Zeus, not he.

DIO. How can you bear, when you are borne yourself?

XAN. Don't know: but anyhow my shoulder's aching.

DIO. Then since you say the donkey helps you not,
You lift him up and carry him in turn.

XAN. O hang it all! why didn't I fight at sea?
You should have smarted bitterly for this.

DIO. Get down, you rascal; I've been trudging on
Till now I've reached the portal, where I'm going
First to turn in.
Boy! Boy! I say there, Boy!

HERACLES. Who banged the door? How like a prancing Centaur
He drove against it! Mercy o' me, what's this?

DIO. Boy.

XAN. Yes.

DIO. Did you observe?

XAN. What?

DIO. How alarmed He is.

XAN. Aye truly, lest you've lost your wits.

HER. O by Demeter, I can't choose but laugh.
Biting my lips won't stop me. Ha! ha! ha!

DIO. Pray you, come hither, I have need of you.

HER. I vow I can't help laughing, I can't help it.
A lion's hide upon a yellow silk, a club and buskin!
What's it all about? Where were you going?

DIO. I was serving lately aboard the—Cleisthenes.

HER. And fought?

DIO. And sank more than a dozen of the enemy's ships.

HER. You two?

DIO. We two.

HER. And then I awoke, and lo!

DIO. There as, on deck, I'm reading to myself
The Andromeda, a sudden pang of longing
Shoots through my heart, you can't conceive how keenly.

HER. How big a pang.

DIO. A small one, Molon's size.

HER. Caused by a woman?

DIO. No.

HER. A boy?

DIO. No, no.

HER. A man?

DIO. Ah! ah!

HER. Was it for Cleisthenes?

DIO. Don't mock me, brother; on my life I am
In a bad way: such fierce desire consumes me.

HER. Aye, little brother? how?

DIO. I can't describe it. But yet I'll tell you in a riddling way.
Have you e'er felt a sudden lust for soup...?