Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 06, May 7, 1870

Excerpt

At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes higher, measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, only that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by any manner of means.

It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for Soaring which caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth of humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this of his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped his head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May my tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO hastens to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's something a little higher up that is likely to give out.

If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. DOUGHERTY wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was "tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was "prolonged." And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said any thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known "tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious....