Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, November 22, 1890

Excerpt

A GOOD-NATURED TEMPEST.

It was stated in the Echo that, during the late storm, a brig "brought into Dover harbour two men, with their ribs and arms broken by a squall off Beachy Head. The deck-house and steering-gear were carried away, and the men taken to Dover Hospital." Who shall say, after this, that storms do not temper severity with kindness? This particular one, it is true, broke some ribs and arms, and carried away portions of a brig, but, in the very act of doing this, it took the sufferers, and laid them, apparently, on the steps of Dover Hospital. If we must have storms, may they all imitate this motherly example.

"WHAT A WONDERFUL BO-OY!"—In the Head-Master's Guide for November, in the list of applicants for Masterships, appears a gentleman who offers to teach Mathematics, Euclid, Arithmetic, Algebra, Natural Science, History, Geography, Book-keeping, French Grammar, Freehand, and Perspective Drawing, the Piano, the Organ, and the Harmonium, and Singing, for the modest salary of £20 a-year without a residence! But it is only just to add; that this person seems to be of marvellous origin, for although he admits extreme youth (he says he is only three years of age!) he boasts ten years of experience! O si sic omnes! So wise, so young, so cheap!

If spectacular effects are worth remembering, then Sheriff DRURIOLANUS ought to be a member of the Spectacle-makers' Company.

(On the Ninth of November.)

["Our difficulties are such as these—that America has instituted a vast system of prohibitive tariffs, mainly, I believe, because ... American pigs do not receive proper treatment at the hands of Europe.... If we have any difficulty with our good neighbours in France, it is because of that unintelligent animal the lobster; and if we have any difficulty with our good neighbours in America, it is because of that not very much nobler animal, the seal."—Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House.]

The Real Turtle sang this, very slowly, and sadly:—

"We are getting quite important," said the Porker to the Seal,

"For we're 'European Questions,' as a Premier seems to feel.

See the 'unintelligent' Lobster, even he, makes an advance!

Oh, we lead the Politicians of the earth a pretty dance.

Will you, won't you, Yankee Doodle, England, and gay France.

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, let us lead the dance?

"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be,

When they take us up as matters of the High Diplomacee."

But the Seal replied, "They brain us!" and he gave a look askance

At the goggle-eyed mailed Lobster, who was loved (and boiled) by France.

"Would they, could they, would they, could they, give us half a chance?

Lobsters, Pigs, and Seals all suffer, Commerce to advance!"

"What matters it how grand we are!" his plated friend replied,

If our destiny is Salad, or the Sausage boiled or fried?

Though we breed strife 'twixt England, and America, and France,

If we're chopped up, or boiled, or brained where is our great advance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you chuck away a chance

Of peace in pig-stye, or at sea, to play the game of France?"

"Thank you, it's a very amusing dance—to watch," said ALICE, feeling very glad that she had not to stand up in it....