Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 152, January 31, 1917

Excerpt

TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.

[The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]

On footer fields two goals are situated,

One, as a rule, at either end:

This for attack (in front) is indicated,

And this (to rearward) you defend;

In your remark projected on the screen

You don't say which you mean.

If you refer to ours in that ambiguous

And filmy phrase, why then you lie;

And if to yours—we hope to be contiguous

To our objective by-and-by,

But for the present, though the end is sure,

Your statement's premature.

In fact—to follow up the sporting image

In which you "reach the appointed goal"—

With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage

Forward and back the fight will roll,

Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line

(This represents the Rhine).

Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,

And wish the call of Time were blown,

To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring

Gratuitously on his own,

You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)

To make the thing a draw.

Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll

Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,

Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,

He wants to blow the final blast;

Time will be called, I fancy, when the score

Suits us, and not before.

O.S.

(The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone).

The King. HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?

The Kaiser. All right, all right. Who's talking?

The King. KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.

The Kaiser. Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.

The King. Is that you, WILLIE?

The Kaiser. Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.

The King. I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. A what?

The King. An Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say.

The King. The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?

The Kaiser. Yes, most of it.

The King. Well.

The Kaiser. Well.

The King. What do you think about it?

The Kaiser. Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.

The King. Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a regular ultimatissimum.

The Kaiser. What do they want you to do?

The King. All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.

The Kaiser. Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?

The King. Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the pestilential VENIZELOS.

The Kaiser. That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord; but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it feels....