Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 146, January 14, 1914

Excerpt

THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE.

[Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their duties to their readers by the insurance competition between The Chronicle and The Mail. We make a few preliminary announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet contemplated.]

VOTES FOR WOMEN.—A copy of the current issue nailed to your front door insures you absolutely against arson.

THE STAR.—All regular subscribers to The Star are insured with the proprietors of The Daily News for £1,000 in the event of being welshed on any race-course.

THE NATIONAL REVIEW.—Annual subscribers to The National Review are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry; always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity.

THE CHURCH TIMES.—All regular subscribers are insured for £500 against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans, Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of this clause in the policy).

THE ENGLISH REVIEW.—Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws.

THE DAILY EXPRESS.—You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep soundly in your train, if the current issue of The Daily Express be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped from German airships.

THE BRITISH WEEKLY.—All readers of The British Weekly are insured for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH HOCKING.

THE RECORD.—£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a copy of the current issue of The Record be in his possession. £1,000 will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the stake.

THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE.—£3 a week for life, together with a poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm.

The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely ignorant of Army Order 701.

"Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)—"A meeting of the Underhill Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3 o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post."

"With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order) "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance Department instead of locally as at present."

"Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was aggregating the mentally afflicted."—Nottingham Guardian....