Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, July 30, 1892

Excerpt

A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE.

SCENE—Small, but Fashionable Club in West-End.

Algy. Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't feel up to the average to-day.

Hughie. Late last night?

Algy. Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, Prince's Gate. Goodness knows why I went! I don't think they'll get me there again in a hurry.

Charlie (waking up from arm-chair). Were you a victim too? I didn't see you there!

Algy. No. Because I probably left before you arrived. I had had enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not before I had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was asserting loudly, was an "'80 wine."

Charlie (laughing). Ah! my dear friend, I had been there before, and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and-soda.

Uninvited Member. May I ask where was this charming Party?

Algy. At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel CRAMMERLY.

Uninvited M. Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he an old Crimea man?

Algy. No!—He was Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. (Roars of laughter.) You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"—made a fortune out of it.

Charlie. He must have spent a bit of it last night. They say the flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds.

Enter Captain O.

Captain O. Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY Party, eh? (To Uninvited M.) Were you there?

Uninvited M. (very satirically). Oh, dear no! I fear I'm not smart enough to warrant my admittance into that charmed and select circle. [Roars of laughter.

Capt. O. By Jove, you were well out of it. (Addressing the Club generally.) Did—you ever see such—eh?

Charlie. I want to know where the deuce they get their men from.

Algy. I fancy they discover them in the City.

Jack. I never met—such shocking people before.

Capt. O. Too dreadful for words. I could only conclude they must have been relations. [Roars of laughter.

Jack. By the way, did you notice that there was a "bounder" who was reversing?

Uninvited M. (with great indignation). No!!!

Jack. I tell you it's a positive fact—I know it to my cost; for I was dancing with that youngest daughter, you know—the one who has the fluffy fringe over her forehead—and the brute bounced against us, and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have got him outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced good hiding. A man like that ought to be kicked.

Uninvited M. Were the women any better?

Algy. Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better!

Uninvited M. (with tragic intensity). You don't mean to say she was there!

Algy. I do.

Uninvited M. But do you mean to say that Mrs. CRAMMERLY has heard—

Jack. No. She's deaf. [Laughter.

Uninvited M. Well, you do surprise me! (After a long pause.) Any other shining lights of London Society?

Jack. No—except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH and her daughters, who honoured me with an invitation to their afternoon party at their suburban residence at West Kensington. I don't know whether you regard them as an illumination. [Roars of laughter.

Uninvited M....