More Peers : Verses

Excerpt

Lord Roehampton

During a late election Lord
Roehampton strained a vocal chord
From shouting, very loud and high,
To lots and lots of people why
The Budget in his own opin-
-Ion should not be allowed to win.

He

sought a Specialist, who said:
"You have a swelling in the head:
Your Larynx is a thought relaxed
And you are greatly over-taxed."

"I am indeed! On every side!"
The Earl (for such he was) replied

In hoarse excitement.... "Oh! My Lord,
You jeopardize your vocal chord!"
Broke in the worthy Specialist.
"Come! Here's the treatment! I insist!
To Bed! to Bed! And do not speak
A single word till Wednesday week,
When I will come and set you free
(If you are cured) and take my fee."

On Wednesday week the Doctor hires
A Brand-new Car with Brand-new Tyres
And Brand-new Chauffeur all complete
For visiting South Audley Street.

But what is this? No Union Jack
Floats on the Stables at the back!
No Toffs escorting Ladies fair
Perambulate the Gay Parterre.
A 'Scutcheon hanging lozenge-wise
And draped in crape appals his eyes
Upon the mansion's ample door,
To which he wades through

heaps of Straw,
And which a Butler

This is the first and only time That I have used this sort of Rhyme.

drowned in tears,
On opening but confirms his fears:
"Oh! Sir!—Prepare to hear the worst!...
Last night my kind old master burst.
And what is more, I doubt if he
Has left enough to pay your fee.
The Budget——"

With a dreadful oath,
The Specialist,

denouncing both
The Budget and the House of Lords,
Buzzed angrily Bayswaterwards.

And ever since, as I am told,
Gets it beforehand; and in gold.

Lord Calvin thought the Bishops should not sit
As Peers of Parliament.

And argued it!
In spite of which, for years, and years, and years,
They went on sitting with their fellow-peers.

Lord Henry Chase

What happened to Lord Henry Chase?
He got into a

Libel Case!
The Daily Howl had said that he—
But could not prove it perfectly
To Judge or Jury's satisfaction:
His Lordship, therefore,

won the action.
But, as the damages were small,

He gave them to a Hospital.

Lord Heygate had a troubled face,
His furniture was commonplace—
The sort of Peer who well might pass
For someone of the middle class.
I do not think you want to hear
About this unimportant Peer,
So let us leave him to discourse
About Lord Epsom and his horse.

Lord Epsom

A Horse, Lord Epsom did bestride
With mastery and quiet pride.
He dug his spurs into its hide.

The Horse,

discerning it was pricked,
Incontinently

bucked and kicked,
A thing that no one could predict!

Lord Epsom clearly understood
The High-bred creature's nervous mood,

As only such a horseman could.
Dismounting,

he was heard to say
That it was kinder to delay
His pleasure to a future day

He had the Hunter led away.

Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself.

It struck him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.

Lord Ali-Baba

Lord Ali-Baba was a Turk
Who hated every kind of work,
And would repose for hours at ease
With

Houris seated on his knees.
A happy life!—Until, one day

Mossoo Alphonse Effendi Bey
(A Younger Turk: the very cream
And essence of the New Regime)
Dispelled this Oriental dream
By granting him a place at Court,
High Coffee-grinder to the Porte,
Unpaid:—

In which exalted Post
His Lordship yielded up the ghost.

Lord Hippo suffered fearful loss

By putting money on a horse
Which he believed, if it were pressed,
Would run far faster than the rest:
For
someone who was in the know

Had confidently told him so.

But

on the morning of the race
It only took

the seventh place!

Picture the Viscount's great surprise!
He scarcely could believe his eyes!
He sought the Individual who
Had laid him odds at 9 to 2,
Suggesting as a useful tip
That they should enter Partnership
And put to joint account the debt
Arising from his foolish bet.

But when the Bookie—oh! my word,
I only wish you could have heard
The way he roared he did not think,
And hoped that they might strike him pink...!