La Tontine

Excerpt

Scene: Dr. Peacock's house.

Flem Truly, Dr. Peacock, you're a clever man. I've been a pharmacist for twenty-five years and never met a doctor who practiced medicine like you.

Peacock Indeed, no other doctor of my acquaintance has penetrated nature as deeply as I have. But I don't like to praise myself; I can't stand flattery. I want you to come home with me to discuss an important matter. Now, has any one asked for me while I was away? TRIPPET, hey, TRIPPET!

Trippet (entering)
How you do scream! Well, sir, what can I do for you?

Peacock
Has Lady Bellaston asked for me?

Trippet
No, sir.

Peacock
So much the better. It's a sign her medication is working. How about
Judge Glanville—has he called?

Trippet
Yes, sir.

Peacock Good. It's to tell me that the purge I gave him yesterday has cured him of his pleurisy.

Trippet The poor man died during the night. His son came to tell you. He was in a fury and cursed you and Mr. Flem. I took your part and he cussed me out, too. Happily, I can deal with that. I listened to him very calmly.

Peacock What right has he to complain? I gave him the best treatment. I bled him more than twenty times and purged him frequently. He ought to be cured according to the books.

Trippet
And died according to bell and candle.

Peacock
Get out of here, impudence. Leave criticizing doctors to the surgeons.

(Exit Trippet.)

Flem Between you and me, Dr. Peacock, I don't have a high opinion of that purge.

Peacock
It worked effectively most of the time—excepting the Judge.

Flem
Also, excepting your wife who you buried last year.

Peacock
Right.

Flem
That merits some concern.

Peacock Not at all. A good doctor pursues his calling without any regard to a bad result. Otherwise, teaching in medical school might be called into question and where would we be then?

Flem
That's another matter.

Peacock
I never deviate from established practice.

Flem
You do wisely.

Peacock
Well now, let's talk of the business I brought you here for. You know
I've always regarded you as my best friend.

Flem You are right to do so. I have been a friend of your family for many years. It was I who furnished the drugs during your father's last illness.

Peacock I thank you for it. Ever since I've written my prescriptions only for you.

Flem
Oh! For that, yes.

Peacock Moreover, I've had you get rid of inexpensive, useless drugs. And whenever I write a prescription, I never forget to write it for five or six grains more than the patient needs.

Flem
And I always put in seven or eight grains less than you prescribe.
That way I save the life of the patient and your reputation.

Peacock Consider the way we work together. I prescribe imaginary medicines found only in your apothecary shop. I praise their healthfulness, their propriety, and your skill in blending drugs.

Flem And for my part, I never miss a chance to praise you. I speak of your miraculous cures—which, in truth, I've seen very few of.

Peacock
Thus, we help one another.

Flem And, I tell all the patients who come to me about you, praise you to the skies, and belittle or disparage all other doctors without exception....