A Humorous History of England

Excerpt

“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;
But we propose in lighter vein

To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)
Of England’s Evolution scenes.

Who would from facts prognosticate
The future progress of this State,

Must own the chiefest fact to be
Her escalator is the Sea.

HISTORIANS erudite and sage,
When writing of the past stone age,

Tell us man once was clothed in skins
And tattooed patterns on his shins.

Rough bearded and with shaggy locks
He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.

Was often scared and run to earth
By creatures of abnormal girth:

Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell
We find their names too long to spell.

He joined in little feuds no doubt;
And with his weapons fashioned out

Of flint, went boldly to the fray;
And cracked a skull or two per day.

WE read of priests of Celtic day,
Ancient Druids, holding sway

By smattering of Occult law
And man’s eternal sense of awe.

They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain
Reputed Prehistoric Fane;

Note each megalithic boulder;
No Monument in Europe’s older.

MERCHANT explorers of that day,
Hustling Phœnicians, came this way

To ship tin ore from Cornish mines
Three thousand years before these lines.

But still in spite of petty strife
Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’

Till Julius Cæsar in five-five
With his galleys did arrive.

He wrote despatches of the best,
‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,

Sending the news of victory home;
And flags then fluttered high in Rome.

His ‘photo’ one plain fact discloses
He brought in fashion Roman noses.

Of this great General ’tis allowed
The best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.

Boadicea earns our praise.
First woman leader in those days;

For Freedom strove all she could do,
’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.

Then came Agricola one day
And gained a battle near the Tay.

He started trimming up this isle,
And laid out roads in Roman style.

East, North, South, West, it’s safe to say
His handiwork is traced to-day.

The Natives too were taught to know
By busy merchants’ constant flow

The wisdom that great Empire held;
Their ignorance was thus dispelled.

About four hundred-ten A.D.
The Romans left sans cérémonie.

Can it be wondered at when Rome
Was needing help ’gainst Huns at home.

Our antiquarians often find
The relics which they left behind;

A Villa here and pavement there,
Coins galore and Roman ware.

AND so we run our flippant rhymes
Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.

Hengist and Horsa with their men
Came from their Jutish pirate den,

And paid us visits in their ships
Bent on their ruthless looting trips.

And Angles landing in the Humber
Gave that district little slumber.

They plundered morning, noon, and night,
Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,

No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’
They came to rob, remained to prey.