LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. No. VII.—TO VANITY. DEAR VANITY, Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay quite innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It was stamped in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary way, and addressed correctly, though how the charming writer discovered my address I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there was nothing in its outward... more...

"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?" Merchant of Venice. ["The entire stock of Hansard's Parliamentary Debates ... was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000 volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."—Daily Paper.] The Auctioneer exclaimed,—"These Vols. Have neither fault nor blot. I think that I, without demur, May call them quite 'a lot.'... more...

HOSPITALITY À LA MODE. ["Programmes and introductions are going out of fashion at balls."—Weekly Paper.] SCENE—Interior of a Drawing-room during a dance. Sprightly Damsel disengaged looking out for a partner. She addresses cheerful-looking Middle-aged Gentleman, who is standing near her. She. I am not quite sure whether I gave you this waltz? He. Nor I. But I hope you did. I am afraid it... more...

THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST. SCENE—The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine constructed to reveal the character and future of a person according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are examining it. First Pleasure-seeker (a sprightly young lady of the name of LOTTIE). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character... more...

CHAPTER IV. Reims—Solemnity—Relief—En voiture—Politeness—Calling—Calves—Caves—Starting—Cocher—Duet. Seen the Cathedral. Grand. As I am not making notes for a Guide-book, shall say nothing about it. "Don't mention it." I shan't. Much struck by the calm air of repose about Reims. So silent is it, that DAUBINET's irrepressible singing in the solemn court-yard of... more...

"SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS!" SCENE—A Place of Meeting. Enter Parliamentary Leader and his Subordinate. They greet one another effusively. Leader (cordially). And now, my dear fellow, how are my interests? Sub. (with much heartiness). Getting on capitally! Just been writing to all the papers to say that it is stupid to call you "Old Dot-and-go-one," because it is inapplicable to either... more...

"AS GOOD AS A BETTER." Dr. Andrew Wilson (in "Science Jottings," in the Illustrated London News) dares disparage Golf "as an ideal game for young men," venturing to advocate the preferential claims of fogeyish Cricket, and even of futile Lawn Tennis— "O Scots, wha hae wi' BALFOUR teed." What wull ye say to this disloyal, slanderous, sacrilegious ANDY? He hints... more...

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No. IX. SCENE—The Burg Terrace at Nuremberg. PODBURY on a bench, grappling with the Epitome of SPENCER. Podbury grappling with the Epitome of Spencer. Podbury (reading aloud, with comments). "For really to conceive the infinite divisibility of matter is mentally to follow out the divisions to infinity, and to do this would require infinite time." You're right... more...

TOWN THOUGHTS FROM THE COUNTRY. (With the usual apologies.) Oh, to be in London now that April's there, And whoever walks in London sees, some morning, in the Square, That the upper thousands have come to Town, To the plane-trees droll in their new bark gown, While the sparrows chirp, and the cats miaow In London—now! And after April, when May follows And the black-coats come and go like... more...

WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS. (A Reminiscence of a Recent Exhibition.) SCENE—The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or less puzzled Britons discovered, conscientiously endeavouring to do justice to the Collection, having realised that Mr. WHISTLER's work is now considered entitled to serious consideration, but feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid tolerance. In addition to these, there are... more...