Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Excerpt

My Old Yaller Almanac

Hangin' on the
Kitchen Wall

I'M sort of fond of readin' one
thing and another,

So I've read promiscus like
whatever cum my way,

And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween
me and mother,

'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round
a rainy day.

Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt
no end of books,

Some made fer useful readin' and some jist
made fer looks;

But of all the different books I've read,
thar's none comes up at all

To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.

I've always liked amusement, of the good
and wholesome kind,

It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the
mind;

So, often of an evening, when the farm
chores all were done,

I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh
how I liked the fun;

And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they
showed at our Town Hall,

A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.

Wall I went down to see 'em, but their
jokes, I knowed 'em all,

Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and
a lot of us old codgers,

Used to meet down at the grocery store,
what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.

There we'd set and argufy most every market
day,

Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass
the time away;

And many a knotty problem has put us on
our mettle,

Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve
and settle;

Then after they had said their say, who
thought they knowed it all,

I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got

From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.

It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old
fashioned yeller book,

And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've
took;

Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through
its pages,

Seein' of the different things that's happened
in all ages.

One time I wuz elected a Justice of the
Peace,

To make out legal documents, a mortgage
or a lease,

Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I
knowed them all,

Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

So now I've bin to New York, and all your
sights I've seen,

I s'pose that to you city folks I must look
most awful green,

Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I
walked round the town,

Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't
Mr. Hiram Brown.

I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung
onto the straps,

When we flew around the corners, sat on
other peoples' laps,

Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,

Read about your city in My Old Yaller
Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you....