The New Pun Book

Excerpt

The New Pun Book

"He's a professional grafter."

"Who?"

"The nurseryman."

"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?"

"I don't know, what does he weigh?"

"Meat."

"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that."

"How are you to-day?"

"Oh, I can't kick."

"Thought you were ill."

"I am—I have the gout."

"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"

"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"

She—I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere.

He—Did you look among the Vs, dear?

"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"

"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"

"I have another at home—Lena."

"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."

"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of it."

"No?"

"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."

"You don't say so!"

"I do. She's a child nurse."

The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
But got up with a happy smile,
And to the young man said: "Please, sir,
How many laps are to the mile?"

I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races?

"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.

"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?"

"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make."

"Oh! are you in this line, too?"

"No. We make gunpowder."

You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!

"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."

"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"

"Why, an Irishman, of course."

"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."

He—Why has he put her picture in his watch?

She—Because he thinks she will love him in time.

"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder."

"Did she give it to you?"

"No; but she gave me a stare."

"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm."

"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers."

Attorney for the Defense—Have you ever been cross-examined before?

The Witness—Have I. I'm a married man.—Life.

—I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken.

—That is terrible, how did it happen?

—Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.

"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central."

"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"

"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."

"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr....