Tartuffe Or, the Hypocrite

Excerpt

ACT I

SCENE I

  MADAME PERNELLE and FLIPOTTE, her servant; ELMIRE, MARIANE, CLEANTE,
  DAMIS, DORINE

  MADAME PERNELLE
  Come, come, Flipotte, and let me get away.

  ELMIRE
  You hurry so, I hardly can attend you.

  MADAME PERNELLE
  Then don't, my daughter-in law. Stay where you are.
  I can dispense with your polite attentions.

  ELMIRE
  We're only paying what is due you, mother.
  Why must you go away in such a hurry?

  MADAME PERNELLE
  Because I can't endure your carryings-on,
  And no one takes the slightest pains to please me.
  I leave your house, I tell you, quite disgusted;
  You do the opposite of my instructions;
  You've no respect for anything; each one
  Must have his say; it's perfect pandemonium.

  DORINE
  If …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  You're a servant wench, my girl, and much
  Too full of gab, and too impertinent
  And free with your advice on all occasions.

  DAMIS
  But …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  You're a fool, my boy—f, o, o, l
  Just spells your name. Let grandma tell you that
  I've said a hundred times to my poor son,
  Your father, that you'd never come to good
  Or give him anything but plague and torment.

  MARIANE
  I think …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  O dearie me, his little sister!
  You're all demureness, butter wouldn't melt
  In your mouth, one would think to look at you.
  Still waters, though, they say … you know the proverb;
  And I don't like your doings on the sly.

  ELMIRE
  But, mother …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  Daughter, by your leave, your conduct
  In everything is altogether wrong;
  You ought to set a good example for 'em;
  Their dear departed mother did much better.
  You are extravagant; and it offends me,
  To see you always decked out like a princess.
  A woman who would please her husband's eyes
  Alone, wants no such wealth of fineries.

  CLEANTE
  But, madam, after all …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  Sir, as for you,
  The lady's brother, I esteem you highly,
  Love and respect you. But, sir, all the same,
  If I were in my son's, her husband's, place,
  I'd urgently entreat you not to come
  Within our doors. You preach a way of living
  That decent people cannot tolerate.
  I'm rather frank with you; but that's my way—
  I don't mince matters, when I mean a thing.

  DAMIS
  Mr. Tartuffe, your friend, is mighty lucky …

  MADAME PERNELLE
  He is a holy man, and must be heeded;
  I can't endure, with any show of patience,
  To hear a scatterbrains like you attack him.

  DAMIS
  What! Shall I let a bigot criticaster
  Come and usurp a tyrant's power here?
  And shall we never dare amuse ourselves
  Till this fine gentleman deigns to consent?

  DORINE
  If we must hark to him, and heed his maxims,
  There's not a thing we do but what's a crime;
  He censures everything, this zealous carper.

  MADAME PERNELLE
  And all he censures is well censured, too....