Grimm Tales Made Gay

Excerpt

A man of kind and noble mindWas H. Gustavus Hyde.’Twould be amiss to add to thisAt present, for he died,In full possession of his senses,The day before my tale commences.One half his gold his four-year-oldSon Paul was known to win,And Beatrix, whose age was six,For all the rest came in,Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben didA thing that people said was splendid.For by the hand he took them, andRemarked in accents smooth:“One thing I ask. Be mine the taskThese stricken babes to soothe!My country home is really charming:I’ll teach them all the joys of farming.”One halcyon week they fished his creek,And watched him do the chores,In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slidDown sloping cellar doors:—Because this life to bliss was equalThe more distressing is the sequel.Concealing guile beneath a smile,He took them to a wood,And, with severe and most austereInjunctions to be good,He left them seated on a gateway,And took his own departure straightway.Though much afraid, the children stayedFrom ten till nearly eight;At times they wept, at times they slept,But never left the gate:Until the swift suspicion crossed themThat Uncle Benjamin had lost them.Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:“It’s like a dreadful dream,And Uncle Ben has fallen tenPer cent. in my esteem.Not only did he first usurp us,But now he’s left us here on purpose!”*****For countless years their childish fearsHave made the reader pale,For countless years the public’s tearsHave started at the tale,For countless years much detestationHas been expressed for their relation.So draw a veil across the daleWhere stood that ghastly gate.No need to tell. You know full wellWhat was their touching fate,And how with leaves each little dead breastWas covered by a Robin Redbreast!But when they found them on the ground,Although their life had ceased,Quite near to Paul there lay a smallWhite paper, neatly creased.“Because of lack of any merit,B. Hyde,” it ran, “we disinherit!”The Moral: If you deeply longTo punish one who’s done you wrong,Though in your lifetime fail you may,Where there’s a will, there is a way!

How Fair Cinderella Disposed
of Her Shoe

The vainest girls in forty statesWere Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;They warbled, slightly off the air,Romantic German songs,And each of them upon her hairEmployed the curling tongs,And each with ardor most intenseHer buxom figure laced,Until her wilful want of senseProcured a woeful waist:For bound to marry titled matesWere Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.Yet, truth to tell, the swains were fewOf Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).So morning, afternoon, and nightUpon their sister theyWere wont to vent their selfish spite,And in the rudest way:For though her name was Leonore,That’s neither there nor here,They called her Cinderella, forThe kitchen was her sphere,Save when the hair she had to doOf Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).Each night to dances and tofêtesWent Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,And Cinderella watched them goIn silks and satins clad:A prince invited them, and soThey put on all they had...!