March 8th, 1916. CHARIVARIA. Germany is declared to have built a submarine that can go to the United States and back. Future insults therefore will be delivered by hand. Municipal fishshops are to be established in Germany. They will be closely associated, it is understood, with the Overseas News Agency, and will make a speciality of supplying a fish diet to sailors who are unfortunately prevented by circumstances from visiting the... more...

May 10, 1916. CHARIVARIA. Many graphic tales have been told of the immense loads of plunder carried off during the fighting in Dublin; but there has been looting on a large scale elsewhere, if one may believe the headline of a contemporary:—"Man arrested with Colt in his pocket at Bloomsbury." Says a writer in The Daily Chronicle: "In one neighbourhood within the Zeppelin zone there are hundreds of partridges who defy the... more...

May 3, 1916. CHARIVARIA. Sir Roger Casement, it appears, landed in Ireland from a collapsible boat. And by a strange coincidence his arrival synchronised with the outbreak of a collapsible rebellion. Hard soap can now be obtained in Germany only by those who purchase bread tickets. The soft variety cannot be obtained at all, the whole supply, it seems, having been commandeered by the Imperial Government for export to the United... more...

HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS. [Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it must be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot vouch for their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.] Mr. Asquith's recent success in spotting the winner of the Derby is believed to have... more...

THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM. "Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at Shepherd's Bush—" "What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!" "—four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and there's a large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? Three sessions daily, the advertisement says." "I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. "'Another... more...

OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY. [À propos of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his evidence, given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then Under-Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with them."] Murphy... more...

WITH THE AUXILIARY PATROL. An Honourable Record. Many years ago, in the reign of good Queen Victoria, a little ship sailed out of Grimsby Docks in all the proud bravery of new paint and snow-white decks, and passed the Newsand bound for the Dogger Bank. They had christened her the King George, and, though her feminine susceptibilities were perhaps a trifle piqued at this affront to her sex, it was a right royal name, and her brand-new boilers... more...

HIS FUTURE. Part I.—The Proposal, 1920. "About this boy of ours, my dear," said Gerald. "Well, what about it?" said Margaret. "He weighed fourteen pounds and an eighth this morning, and he's only four months and ten days old, you know." "Is he? I mean, does he? Splendid. But what I was going to say was this: in view of the present social and economic disturbances and the price of coal and butter—" "He doesn't need either of those... more...

"SMALL ADS." "Where do you get servants from?" I asked. "From small ads.," said Phyllis promptly. I picked up the paper from the floor where I had thrown it in the morning. My wife is one of those rare women who always leave things where you put them. It is this trait that endears her to me. I ran my trained eye over an ad. column. "Got it at once," I said with pardonable pride. "How's this?—'General (genuine), stand any test trd.... more...

A STORY WITH A POINT. (With Mr. Punch's apologies for not having sent it on to "The Spectator.") Geoffrey has an Irish terrier that he swears by. I don't mean by this that he invokes it when he becomes portentous, but he is always annoying me with tales, usually untruthful, of the wonderful things this dog has done. Now I have a pointer, Leopold, who really is a marvellous animal, and I work off tales of his doings on Geoffrey when he is more... more...