Humor Books

GOAT-FEATHERS No human being ever tells the whole truth about himself. We seem to be born liars in that particular, all of us, and I am no different. I'm starting out now to tell the bitter, agonizing truth about myself, but before I am through I shall probably be lying at the rate of a mile a minute and cracking myself up something awful! A man can tell only so much truth; then he begins to... more...

A man of kind and noble mindWas H. Gustavus Hyde.’Twould be amiss to add to thisAt present, for he died,In full possession of his senses,The day before my tale commences.One half his gold his four-year-oldSon Paul was known to win,And Beatrix, whose age was six,For all the rest came in,Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben didA thing that people said was splendid.For by the hand he took them, andRemarked... more...

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel. ABSINTHE From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)." ABSTINENCE From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon." ACCESSION A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old... more...

The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what... more...

THE TWO NEW HOUSES BY CAROLYN WELLS Once on a Time, there were Two Men, each of whom decided to build for himself a Fine, New House. One Man, being of an Arrogant and Conceited Nature, took counsel of Nobody, but declared that he would build his House to suit himself. "For," said he, "since it is My House and I am to Live in It, why should I ask the Advice of my Neighbors as to its... more...

OUR NEW NEIGHBORS AT PONKAPOG BY THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH When I saw the little house building, an eighth of a mile beyond my own, on the Old Bay Road, I wondered who were to be the tenants. The modest structure was set well back from the road, among the trees, as if the inmates were to care nothing whatever for a view of the stylish equipages which sweep by during the summer season. For my part, I like... more...

Burr. Bird. The Bird and the Burdock. Who is there who has never heard, About the Burdock and the Bird? And yet how very very few, Discriminate between the two, While even Mr. Burbank can't Transform a Bird into a Plant! The Plover and the Clover can be told apart with ease, By paying close attention to the habits of the Bees, For en-to-molo-gists aver, the Bee can be in Clover, While... more...

THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS BY EUGENE FIELD It befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will never again, by grace of Heaven, afflict mankind—in this year it befell that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto... more...

MELONS BY BRET HARTE As I do not suppose the most gentle of readers will believe that anybody's sponsors in baptism ever wilfully assumed the responsibility of such a name, I may as well state that I have reason to infer that Melons was simply the nickname of a small boy I once knew. If he had any other, I never knew it. Various theories were often projected by me to account for this strange... more...

My Old Yaller Almanac Hangin' on theKitchen Wall I'M sort of fond of readin' onething and another, So I've read promiscus likewhatever cum my way, And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tweenme and mother, 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' rounda rainy day. Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'ntno end of books, Some made fer useful... more...