Excerpt
March 15, 1916.
CHARIVARIA.
The Zeppelin which was "winged" while flying over Kent last week has not yet been found, and is believed to be still in hiding in the densely wooded country between Maidstone and Ashford. Confirmation of this report is supplied by a local farmer, who states that on three successive nights the cat's supper has been stolen from his scullery steps. This strange circumstance, considered in the light of the Germans' inordinate passion for cats' meat, has gone far to satisfy the authorities that the capture of the crippled monster is only a question of time.
Mr. William Aird, in a lecture upon "Health, Disease and Economical Living," insisted that we should all be much healthier if we lived on "rabbit food." Possibly; but the vital question is—would not this diet induce in us a tendency to become conscientious objectors?
"It is most necessary," stated a Manchester economics expert last week, "that the Government should release more beef for civilian needs." Yet a cursory view of the work done by the military tribunals seems to indicate that they are releasing altogether too much.
A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, it seems, is still mightier than the sword.
Some slight irritation has been caused by the announcement of Sir Alfred Keogh that Naval men engaged on the home service cannot be supplied with false teeth at the expense of the Government. Nevertheless we may rest assured that, come what may, these gallant fellows will uphold the traditions of the Navy and stick to their gums.
For many days past the condition of our streets has been really lamentable owing to the fact that so many of our crossing-sweepers are serving with the colours; and a painful report is going about that the Government's object in recognizing the V. T. C. is at last becoming apparent.
A prehistoric elephant has recently been discovered at Chatham and is now mounted in the British Museum. In palæontological circles the report that the monster's death was occasioned by the consumption of too much seed-cake is regarded as going far to prove that our neolithic ancestors were not without their sentimental side.
Mistress. "Well, Jones, I hope we shall get more out of the garden this year. We had next to nothing last year."
Jones. "Ay—'twere they plaguey pheasants 'ad most on it last year."
Mistress. "If you ask me, I should say it was two-legged pheasants!"
From a Parliamentary report: "In his reply Mr. Asquith stated that the 'Peace Book' which was being prepared to meet problems which would arise after the War corresponded with the 'War Book' which was compiled years ago in anticipation of the War." This ought to put heart into the enemy.
The Court of Appeal has decided that infants are liable to pay income tax. It is reported that Sir John Simon is preparing a stinging remonstrance.
The Turkish New Year has been officially postponed so as to begin on March 14th, instead of on March 1st, as before. This simple but satisfactory method of prolonging the existence of a moribund empire has proved so successful that Enver Pasha and a number of other Young Turks have indefinitely postponed their next birthdays.
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