December 15, 1920 CHARIVARIA. Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended. A newspaper correspondent describes Charlie Chaplin as being an amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular comedian of... more...

CHARIVARIA. According to The Evening News, lambs have already put in an appearance in Dorset. People who expect the Poet Laureate to rush to the spot will be bitterly disappointed. "What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in The Daily Mail. We never answer these personal questions. The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase The Autobiography of Margot Asquith. It would just serve them... more...

CHARIVARIA. "We doubt," says a contemporary, "if the Government has effected much by refusing to let Dr. Mannix land on Irish shores." We agree. What is most wanted at the moment is that the Government should land on Ireland. We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the suggestion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in Belfast. Manchester City Council has decided to purchase the famous Free Trade... more...

WAYS AND MEANS. I met her at the usual place, and she looked much the same as usual—which astonished me rather. "Now that we're engaged," I began. "Oh, but we aren't," said Phyllis. "Are you by any chance a false woman?" I asked. "You remember what you said last night?" "I do, and what I said I stick to. But that was pleasure, and this is business." I looked at her in sudden alarm. "You're—you're quite sure you aren't a widow,... more...

TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES. With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of the Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being delivered with copies of Punch as hitherto; they will however be sent free, by post, upon receipt of a request. Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the Punch Office, or by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply for copies of the title and... more...

LESSONS OF THE WAR. I. (Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help Division the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for a Raid.) 9th Self-help Brigade Operation Order No. 49. August 1st, 1920. Ref. Maps. London 1/40000 shoot 27d S.W. and (Special) 1/500 (Broadmead). 1. The 9th Self-help Brigade will carry out a Raid upon Broadmead House, Broadmead Square, W., on the night of 12/13 August. 2. The Raid will be carried... more...

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. (The Kaiser and Count Bernstorff.) The Kaiser (concluding a tirade). And so, in spite of my superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to. Germany is smacked in the face in view of the whole world—yes, I repeat it, is smacked in the face, and by a nation which is not a nation at all, but a sweeping together of the worst elements in all the other nations, a country whose navy is ludicrous and whose army does not... more...

February 2, 1916. CHARIVARIA. According to the Correspondent of The Daily Mail who described the festivities at Nish, the King of Bulgaria "has a curious duck-like waddle." This is believed to be the result of his effort to do the Goose-Step while avoiding the Turkey-Trot. Owing to the extraction of benzol and toluol from gas for the purpose of making high-explosives it is stated that consumers may have to put up with some decrease... more...

August 12, 1914. CHARIVARIA. A gentleman with a foreign name who was arrested in the neighbourhood of the Tyne shipyards last week with measuring gauges and a map in his possession explained, on being charged, that he was looking for work. It is possible that some hard labour may be found for him. "Members of Parliament will not suffer," was the comfortable statement of Mr. Josiah Wedgwood during a speech on the subject of the War.... more...

NEW WELLS FOR OLD. Over the top of Part II. of The Outline of History I caught the smiling glance of the man in the opposite corner of the compartment. "Good stuff that," he said, indicating the History with a jerk of his head. "Quite," I agreed, maintaining my distance. "Immense," he continued. "And it means the dawn of a new life for me. I'm Wells's hero. Every time I've appeared in his half-yearly masterpiece, ever since Tono Bungay. And... more...